carrying bride

I just got out of bed to write this. My mind wonapos;t shutup.

Today at work, I was having some very serious, very important/deep thoughts. Really, it all started this morning when I awoke from a really bad dream about a disemboweled baby bobcat in my arms, still alive and seizuring while looking at me. You donapos;t want more details. Anyway. Today at work, I got to thinking about.....well no, maybe it started yesterday when I watched an episode of "The Academy" on hulu.com. Hell, in any case, the point Iapos;m trying to make is that today, while driving my forklift in the big warehouse I work in, I got to thinking about my future. Again. What am I going to do? What are my options? Is Jolien okay with whatever options they may be?

Iapos;m so fed up with not having a plan right now. I think that itapos;s such BULLSHIT that in order to become a police officer you have to go through people breaking you down. And I realize that I sound like a baby. "They yelled at me. They werenapos;t nice to me. It was hard. Waah. Waah." Well thatapos;s how I feel. Deal with it. Maybe I am a baby. Maybe if I went back and did it again I would be better prepared knowing what itapos;s like going in. Maybe Iapos;m just not cut out for that environment. Who effing knows. What do I do with my life? How do I do it? Why do they have to confuse you and yell at you and stress you out so much? Why canapos;t they sit you down and talk to you like normal, civilized, respectful people? "Because when youapos;re out in real life and youapos;re in a high stress situation, you need to know how to handle it." Yeah, well then tell me how to handle it. Show me. Teach me. Donapos;t humiliate me in front of the class. Donapos;t spit and yell in my face. Thatapos;s bullshit. Maybe all of the people who told me Iapos;m too nice to be a police officer are right. Maybe they can all go to hell because they might be wrong.

I have bad credit. For a long time. Because of the car repo. I have just enough money to pay the bills. .... I want more. I want...better. I want to help people. I want to make a difference. I want a leadership role. I want to form a plan and move past this frustration Iapos;ve been feeling lately. I brought up these feelings with Jolien tonight, you know, just to tell her what was on my mind. I think I just frustrated her. She doesnapos;t know what to do anymore than I do. She pointed out that I quit things when they get hard. Sheapos;s right, I have done that a lot in the past. And we didnapos;t fight or anything, but there was tension in our conversation.

I want a beer. (Just, in general, a beer sounds really nice at this moment. Donapos;t read anything more into that.) I still need to look into the firefighter thing. I need to workout more in general, get in better shape. Iapos;ve started watching what Iapos;m eating again. I took a break from that a week before my birthday, and although I havenapos;t really gained any weight, I feel more, I dunno, blah.

I would like to go back to school. Full time or otherwise. Takes money. Iapos;ve been saving up a little each paycheck for a while, for the day after Thanksgiving. Itapos;s a four or five year tradition now to wait in line someplace at 3am with my best friend. Every year we get something really cool. Maybe this year Iapos;ll go and not get anything. Spend the money on school instead. And if you donapos;t know me, the fact that I just thought that and typed it out means Iapos;m really serious about wanting change. (I would kill for cool electronics and gadgets)

Jolien wants kids in the next year or two. Iapos;m not entirely opposed to the idea. It doesnapos;t scare me nearly as much as it used to. But I feel like once you have kids, thatapos;s it. Your life becomes taking care of the family. Which is actually a good thought in my mind, I donapos;t mind that thought at all, I look forward to that. However, I want better for my family. Better for myself.

Itapos;s now 12:02AM. 00:02 HRS. I donapos;t know if I feel any better after writing all of this or not, really. I thought coming downstairs and typing would help me calm down. Ugh. Iapos;m 25 years old. I think I still have time to do whatever I want. Even with Jolien wanting kids in the next year or so. I just want to know what I want.

And you know, with the whole wanting kids thing- Iapos;m pretty sure that itapos;s just the everyday "guy" reaction to when your wife says she wants kids. The "guy thing" to do is to get nervous and slam on the breaks in your head. Well, Iapos;m doing that, but at the same time, I very much want to be a father. I like kids. I like babies. Wait. Shit. I really donapos;t know anything about either. Shutup. Okay, look, maybe what I mean to say is that I look forward to learning. I just worry a lot about money. And Iapos;ve been told a million times that if you wait until youapos;re "ready" to have kids, you never have kids, so I know Iapos;ll never really be ready. *sigh* I donapos;t think Iapos;m effectively communicating at this point. I need to go to bed.

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